[Kim starts with the more potent of his two drinks, taking a long sip before he responds.]
You're right. Although...well, I didn't stop him from kissing me immediately. [His mind drifts to the perfect, searing, desperate moment of kissing Will again for the first time in years. Briefly, almost absently, he lifts a hand to his mouth, fingers brushing against his lips before he lets the hand fall again.] But yes. Before things moved on to...any other parts.
I promised not to lie to him anymore, you see. Any kind of lie, including lies of omission. And being with him before telling about ['you and I'] my significant relationships...that would have been an extremely egregious lie.
I don't think he would have forgiven me that. I wouldn't expect him to.
[His gaze tracks the quiet motion and he's almost inclined to an affectionate smile if this hadn't obviously landed so poorly. It was strikingly clear to Chris how much Kim loved his man. Had been early on in their friendship...to have it all come crashing down so harshly now after so much time was...painful enough to watch. He couldn't imagine living it.
Chris offers a hand out on the table, palm up and open should Kim want it without any pressure of taking it intended.]
No, you're likely right. He'd have called it a lie of omission and rightly so. Likely it's not lost on him that you honored your word and told the truth...that likely makes it a little easier to work with. Or...perhaps harder. If you'd lied, he'd have simply had every right to be angry with you. Instead, I imagine it simply hurts.
But...now he's gone and hurt you too. Did he let you explain all that's happened? How long you've been here and waited?
[Not that it would have perhaps made things easier, but it was still important to know. It said something to Will's character.]
I...don't know if I would say he'd let me explain everything, but he's at least heard some.
[Kim glances down as Chris holds out a hand to him and after a moment he rests his fingers in the middle of his palm. Not quite holding on but at least acknowledging its existence and taking some comfort from his boyfriend's presence.]
I started with the fact that I had been here for several years. When he asked whether I'd been alone all that time, I reminded him about LIE's quota. I also told him that it had taken me nearly a year to stop feeling guilty for taking pleasure from it.
He did understand. He said he didn't want me denying myself on his account. He said he didn't want me miserable either, that it was good that I found pleasure.
...I told him too, that I thought for so long that I didn't have enough of my heart left to give to anyone else. I told him that I'd told you that. I told him that my falling in love was a slow thing and that it never changed what I felt for him for a moment.
He said he believed me. And that he forgave me.
[Which, in retrospect, should have set alarm bells off for Kim even before what Will said next, the thing that tipped him off that all was not yet alright.]
[Forgave him...gods that feels like a bitter thing. He can just imagine it. And he can guess what came next...what he would expect a Martin who didn't remember him to say or Wolfe's Anders, should he return.
He arches his thumb over towards Kim's fingers to brush his skin lightly.]
And then he said you'd not need to worry about it. Said...he was here to take care of you now. Something I'd expect mine back home to say if they ever appeared as well.
Is that...did you not..? [He hesitates, his question suddenly feeling far too selfish to ask. He shakes his head.]
I'm sorry he seemed understanding, gave you comfort to stand on and then took it away again...even if it wasn't his intention to be so cruel.
He said exactly that. Well, not the bit about taking care of me, though no doubt it was implied. But yes, he said he forgave me and that he was here now.
[The smile that he gives Chris is extremely bittersweet, more or less in response to his empathetic words. Kim is...curious about the questions his love has decided to abandon asking, but not curious enough yet to push for them to be revealed. In any event, they may be answered anyway.]
I think his forgiveness was somewhat rescinded when I went on to say that yes, he was here now. And that so were you.
[There's a stillness to him that betrays his surprise as he processes those words. So...Will had been mad because Kim wasn't willing to simply cut ties with those he'd formed bonds with here?
Yes...maybe a part of him had believed there was a possibility Kim would, but that wasn't very kind of him to think either. Certainly, he'd still want to see Kim, still want to be his friend. If Will couldn't abide by that, then he more than deserved Kim's ire.]
He doesn't even wish you other lovers...I'm sorry. He's about to have a hard time adjusting.
[The way Chris goes still is noted and is...something of a puzzle. Or perhaps it isn't. Chris does know how deeply Kim feels about Will. But Kim had hoped that Chris would also know how strongly he feels about him.
Does he think he would give him over with no thought? It's sobering to think about and Kim takes another long sip of his drink before he answers, his expression shuttered.]
He very well might. We didn't quite make it to the discussion of pure physicality.
...He seemed....repulsed and offended by the suggestion he might be asked to share me, though. Said he hadn't signed on to be made a cuckold. Then he more or less stormed out of the room after telling me where I could find him once I'd, as he put it, figured myself out.
[Abruptly, Kim lifts a hand to rub wearily at his face. Figuring "himself" out, figuring this problem out, is an exhausting proposition and one he desperately does not want to face.]
[Kim closes himself off and there's a sinking feeling in Chris' stomach. He'd done or said something wrong. He wasn't even sure what or if it was entirely him or the situation or both.
Whatever it was, badgering Kim for an answer just to make himself feel better wouldn't be helpful or kind right now. He shoves the feeling down deep and focuses on the rest of the story.
He squeezes Kim's fingers and lets go, mostly to fold his hands and brace his chin on them as he thinks, his gaze on the far wall of the barroom.]
On one hand...he's just been thrown in here, forced to sink or swim as any of us out of world or time...he's likely had the low of thinking he'd abandoned you without a word, the high of finding you again...only to be met with the low of realizing how long it had been for you...and that it'd not be the reunion he'd dared to imagine.
On the other hand...he's got no idea what you've been made to endure, what you've been through to preserve what you had with him, nor did he let you finish talking about it, and now he's got gall to walk into the life you'd managed, turn it upside down over again, and demand you fix it for you both.
[Chris scoffs, blinks, and reaches for his drink again, now basically empty when he sets it down.]
Well...first thing's first...much as it hurts, space and time is what you'll need for now. A slow approach to see what steady ground you can find between you...that sort of thing. It'll be messy no matter how you go about it, love.
[Green eyes skate over the despair he can see in his love’s form and Chris decides there’s a better way to handle this. He loved Kim Secretan too much to let him wallow even more than he already had.
Chris raps his knuckles on the table near both of Kim’s glasses.]
Alright…well, cleric’s orders: you drink both those cups empty and you and I are going out. I’d been thinking to inviting you to a bit of shopping anyway…got something in mind, but if something catches your eye, will try that too. Anything to keep new arrivals and their current states at the edge of your thoughts for a bit.
[At the rap, Kim glances up again to listen to what Chris has to say. The further prescription does cause one corner of his mouth to pull up into something faintly wry. It...does seem to help, somewhat, since he then lifts his head and nods.]
Well, if it's cleric's orders. [The faintest shading of a tease, though hardly enough to really color his words as humour. Kim first lifts his glass of water to his lips, draining about half of it. The look on his face after he sets it back down is one of curiosity.] Should I ask what kind of shopping you have in mind?
[He sets about cleaning up after himself, reticent as he is to leave Kim with additional work later. Plus, it provides a better vantage point for him when he returns to his seated boyfriend to place a hand on the table and one on the back of Kim's chair so he can give the impression of crowding him.]
Should you? Maybe, maybe not...but I'd thought to pay visit to my second favorite leather shop, one here in the down. One where no one'll ask questions about a couple subs buying a collar from one to the other...
[Kim's head tips back as Chris leans over him. It does, actually, achieve a little bit of what Chris no doubt intends: something in Kim's chest loosens slightly at the feeling of being penned in by his boyfriend. The tenseness in his shoulders eases incrementally. He goes to sip at the rest of his whiskey but the way he does it is a little less despairing than before.
Over the rim of the glass, hearing what Chris intends, Kim raises a brow....but interest does spark in his eyes. Another small victory.]
...Funny you should say that. I've been....thinking for a while about getting another one.
[His hand comes up to card through Kim's hair, his own brow now raising at this new information.]
Were you?
Tell me, did you have a style in mind? Because I was thinking something of leather...thinner, unobtrusive for the most part...but very present...especially on days you may need it tighter to remember who holds your heart and more than occasionally your body.
I was thinking something along those lines as well, though I'm not as sure about it being unobtrusive. Though I suppose I've mostly been considering function and not style. [He's looking up at Chris through his lashes a bit, not quite flirtatious or seductive, but maybe with shades of those things in his eyes.] My idea, primarily, was something I could wear and think your hand at my throat.
[It's a particular feeling that he's grown to love and look forward to when it happens. Danger and safety all wrapped up into one gesture.]
[The hand in Kim's hair slips down to press gently against Kim's throat while his thumb brushes over the skin there and the thrum of his pulse.]
Well...that is a good idea. I'll accept a trade of discretion for particular function if you will. We'll find something thicker, then...something to press just...here. [He applies just a little more pressure to Kim's throat as he leans in to hover his lips near his boyfriend's.]
Something with my green in it so you know that press is from me and everyone else can too.
[He pulls back all too quickly with mischievousness in his smile and a hand held out to help Kim from his chair.]
[As Chris curls his hand around Kim's throat and presses down lightly, Kim inhales shallowly. He isn't truly in the mood for anything except what they're planning, but he also can't help but react just a bit.
Still. He isn't terribly disappointed when Chris does abruptly draw his hand away and stands up. A faint smile does grace his lips in answer to that mischievousness and he allows Chris to pull him up, using the momentum to lean in and brush a kiss against his cheek.]
Thank you, my love.
[Kim doesn't expand on that, but he means...for everything, really. For everything Chris is to him.]
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You're right. Although...well, I didn't stop him from kissing me immediately. [His mind drifts to the perfect, searing, desperate moment of kissing Will again for the first time in years. Briefly, almost absently, he lifts a hand to his mouth, fingers brushing against his lips before he lets the hand fall again.] But yes. Before things moved on to...any other parts.
I promised not to lie to him anymore, you see. Any kind of lie, including lies of omission. And being with him before telling about ['you and I'] my significant relationships...that would have been an extremely egregious lie.
I don't think he would have forgiven me that. I wouldn't expect him to.
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Chris offers a hand out on the table, palm up and open should Kim want it without any pressure of taking it intended.]
No, you're likely right. He'd have called it a lie of omission and rightly so. Likely it's not lost on him that you honored your word and told the truth...that likely makes it a little easier to work with. Or...perhaps harder. If you'd lied, he'd have simply had every right to be angry with you. Instead, I imagine it simply hurts.
But...now he's gone and hurt you too. Did he let you explain all that's happened? How long you've been here and waited?
[Not that it would have perhaps made things easier, but it was still important to know. It said something to Will's character.]
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[Kim glances down as Chris holds out a hand to him and after a moment he rests his fingers in the middle of his palm. Not quite holding on but at least acknowledging its existence and taking some comfort from his boyfriend's presence.]
I started with the fact that I had been here for several years. When he asked whether I'd been alone all that time, I reminded him about LIE's quota. I also told him that it had taken me nearly a year to stop feeling guilty for taking pleasure from it.
He did understand. He said he didn't want me denying myself on his account. He said he didn't want me miserable either, that it was good that I found pleasure.
...I told him too, that I thought for so long that I didn't have enough of my heart left to give to anyone else. I told him that I'd told you that. I told him that my falling in love was a slow thing and that it never changed what I felt for him for a moment.
He said he believed me. And that he forgave me.
[Which, in retrospect, should have set alarm bells off for Kim even before what Will said next, the thing that tipped him off that all was not yet alright.]
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He arches his thumb over towards Kim's fingers to brush his skin lightly.]
And then he said you'd not need to worry about it. Said...he was here to take care of you now. Something I'd expect mine back home to say if they ever appeared as well.
Is that...did you not..? [He hesitates, his question suddenly feeling far too selfish to ask. He shakes his head.]
I'm sorry he seemed understanding, gave you comfort to stand on and then took it away again...even if it wasn't his intention to be so cruel.
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[The smile that he gives Chris is extremely bittersweet, more or less in response to his empathetic words. Kim is...curious about the questions his love has decided to abandon asking, but not curious enough yet to push for them to be revealed. In any event, they may be answered anyway.]
I think his forgiveness was somewhat rescinded when I went on to say that yes, he was here now. And that so were you.
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Yes...maybe a part of him had believed there was a possibility Kim would, but that wasn't very kind of him to think either. Certainly, he'd still want to see Kim, still want to be his friend. If Will couldn't abide by that, then he more than deserved Kim's ire.]
He doesn't even wish you other lovers...I'm sorry. He's about to have a hard time adjusting.
I assume he wasn't kind in his reaction.
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Does he think he would give him over with no thought? It's sobering to think about and Kim takes another long sip of his drink before he answers, his expression shuttered.]
He very well might. We didn't quite make it to the discussion of pure physicality.
...He seemed....repulsed and offended by the suggestion he might be asked to share me, though. Said he hadn't signed on to be made a cuckold. Then he more or less stormed out of the room after telling me where I could find him once I'd, as he put it, figured myself out.
[Abruptly, Kim lifts a hand to rub wearily at his face. Figuring "himself" out, figuring this problem out, is an exhausting proposition and one he desperately does not want to face.]
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Whatever it was, badgering Kim for an answer just to make himself feel better wouldn't be helpful or kind right now. He shoves the feeling down deep and focuses on the rest of the story.
He squeezes Kim's fingers and lets go, mostly to fold his hands and brace his chin on them as he thinks, his gaze on the far wall of the barroom.]
On one hand...he's just been thrown in here, forced to sink or swim as any of us out of world or time...he's likely had the low of thinking he'd abandoned you without a word, the high of finding you again...only to be met with the low of realizing how long it had been for you...and that it'd not be the reunion he'd dared to imagine.
On the other hand...he's got no idea what you've been made to endure, what you've been through to preserve what you had with him, nor did he let you finish talking about it, and now he's got gall to walk into the life you'd managed, turn it upside down over again, and demand you fix it for you both.
[Chris scoffs, blinks, and reaches for his drink again, now basically empty when he sets it down.]
Well...first thing's first...much as it hurts, space and time is what you'll need for now. A slow approach to see what steady ground you can find between you...that sort of thing. It'll be messy no matter how you go about it, love.
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His elbow drops to the table with his face still in his hand.]
Yes, [He mutters.] I suspect it probably will be.
[Why is it that nothing in his life can stay simple for long? Why is it that happiness seems to be something that he has to fight tooth and nail for?]
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Chris raps his knuckles on the table near both of Kim’s glasses.]
Alright…well, cleric’s orders: you drink both those cups empty and you and I are going out. I’d been thinking to inviting you to a bit of shopping anyway…got something in mind, but if something catches your eye, will try that too. Anything to keep new arrivals and their current states at the edge of your thoughts for a bit.
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Well, if it's cleric's orders. [The faintest shading of a tease, though hardly enough to really color his words as humour. Kim first lifts his glass of water to his lips, draining about half of it. The look on his face after he sets it back down is one of curiosity.] Should I ask what kind of shopping you have in mind?
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Should you? Maybe, maybe not...but I'd thought to pay visit to my second favorite leather shop, one here in the down. One where no one'll ask questions about a couple subs buying a collar from one to the other...
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Over the rim of the glass, hearing what Chris intends, Kim raises a brow....but interest does spark in his eyes. Another small victory.]
...Funny you should say that. I've been....thinking for a while about getting another one.
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Were you?
Tell me, did you have a style in mind? Because I was thinking something of leather...thinner, unobtrusive for the most part...but very present...especially on days you may need it tighter to remember who holds your heart and more than occasionally your body.
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[It's a particular feeling that he's grown to love and look forward to when it happens. Danger and safety all wrapped up into one gesture.]
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Well...that is a good idea. I'll accept a trade of discretion for particular function if you will. We'll find something thicker, then...something to press just...here. [He applies just a little more pressure to Kim's throat as he leans in to hover his lips near his boyfriend's.]
Something with my green in it so you know that press is from me and everyone else can too.
[He pulls back all too quickly with mischievousness in his smile and a hand held out to help Kim from his chair.]
I know just the place.
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Still. He isn't terribly disappointed when Chris does abruptly draw his hand away and stands up. A faint smile does grace his lips in answer to that mischievousness and he allows Chris to pull him up, using the momentum to lean in and brush a kiss against his cheek.]
Thank you, my love.
[Kim doesn't expand on that, but he means...for everything, really. For everything Chris is to him.]