[ He's too tired to do this song and dance. He'd rather just be candid. ]
Serrah Secretan, if you want to be more involved with Chris, I'm sure you need just ask. He's very fond of you. I'm certainly not going to stand in your way.
Or are you worried you'll be jealous? Because - and I don't mean this pompously - I don't blame you. I mean everything I said before but I do get a little envious of the time he spends with Jon on occasion. I was a bit of Jacob too, even in as much as I trusted the man.
[ Chris knows? Then there's one of two things going on here. One, Kim just thinks Chris knows but is much less obvious than he thinks. Chris, too, can be surprisingly dense on this particular realization.
Or two, Chris does know and is holding back for some specific reason known only to him. It makes Hawke want to ask but in this, he knows better. Andraste only knows he doesn't want to be left in the situation Aveline's uncharacteristic waffling had with Donnic. ]
I know you know this, but it bears saying regardless; you should talk to him. Is there a reason you've not?
[Somewhere in the back of his mind, there's a voice that sounds very much like Will, telling him to just be honest, to let someone help him.
Which is ironic, given one of his reservations about this whole thing.]
There are two reasons. The first is that I've left behind a lover. We've made no promises to each other, not formally, but just because things are left unsaid doesn't mean they don't exist. I don't know that making things more formal with Chris wouldn't feel like betrayal.
[Having the feelings at all still feels a little like betrayal.]
The rest is...as you've said. Jealousy. I'm sure I will feel it, and I don't know how I'll weather it.
[ He knows that all too well. It still feels like that, especially now with his doubts about the Solace Trees vision at Candleglow being real. ]
You're going to feel horrendous. I certainly do, at times. I was going to marry my love from home. I had a ring, even. It's gone now, from when the city shunted me out and brought me back. But there are no guarantees in life. There's nothing that says we're ever going to be able to make it back to our worlds. And denying your heart in the interim on a maybe when it's telling you now what it wants, what will make this place bareable, feels just as poorly. Maybe it's a matter of deciding which pain to live with. Or maybe it's understanding that just because you love someone here does not mean you love the person at home any less. I had to learn all of that too. Chris was the one who helped to put it in perspective, long before we were ever together, and in regards to someone else.
[ Someone else who the relationship has only gotten more complicated with for similar reasons from the outside. But they're not talking about that right now.
(Or they are but he refuses to think about it right now.)]
The jealousy only time will tell, and again you choose how you react to things and what you can weather. But the feelings are there already. Letting them sit, unless you think you'll fall out of love with Chris
No, I don't think my feelings will change any time soon. At least not without severing our connection entirely. [Equally impossible.
The idea that this all will hurt somehow is not exactly heartening but it doesn't dissuade him either.]
Some of that does sound like him. We had a similar conversation some ways back. About enjoyment of pleasure, not love, but he made similar arguments on certain points.
You've given me a lot to consider. I appreciate you sharing your perspective, thank you.
Anything to help. For me, this is the worst thing about Duplicity, is not being able to reconcile with loved ones far away. Granted I've dealt with loss of autonomy and institutionalized brutality for most of my life, so I do hope that's not the same for everyone. Doesn't make it any less hard even if it's not the worst thing, though.
I hope you come to a conclusion you can be satisfied with, Kim. Please let me know if you need another perspective again.
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[Trying to inform his own.]
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Serrah Secretan, if you want to be more involved with Chris, I'm sure you need just ask.
He's very fond of you.
I'm certainly not going to stand in your way.
Or are you worried you'll be jealous?
Because - and I don't mean this pompously - I don't blame you.
I mean everything I said before but I do get a little envious of the time he spends with Jon on occasion.
I was a bit of Jacob too, even in as much as I trusted the man.
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I've heard of others who share their affections between partners.
But it's a new concept for me personally.
[Yes, he's worried about jealousy.
It isn't the only reason he's holding himself back from pursuing Chris further, but it's certainly one of them.]
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Or two, Chris does know and is holding back for some specific reason known only to him. It makes Hawke want to ask but in this, he knows better. Andraste only knows he doesn't want to be left in the situation Aveline's uncharacteristic waffling had with Donnic. ]
I know you know this, but it bears saying regardless; you should talk to him.
Is there a reason you've not?
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[ It's a guess, but it's an educated one. Even so he's bracing himself for Kim to get snippy and stop responding. ]
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[Maybe a little snippy.]
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Suit yourself. But nothing ever comes from inaction.
What's making you waffle?
I've been in your position before, maybe I can help.
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Which is ironic, given one of his reservations about this whole thing.]
There are two reasons.
The first is that I've left behind a lover. We've made no promises to each other, not formally, but just because things are left unsaid doesn't mean they don't exist. I don't know that making things more formal with Chris wouldn't feel like betrayal.
[Having the feelings at all still feels a little like betrayal.]
The rest is...as you've said.
Jealousy. I'm sure I will feel it, and I don't know how I'll weather it.
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[ He knows that all too well. It still feels like that, especially now with his doubts about the Solace Trees vision at Candleglow being real. ]
You're going to feel horrendous.
I certainly do, at times.
I was going to marry my love from home.
I had a ring, even. It's gone now, from when the city shunted me out and brought me back.
But there are no guarantees in life.
There's nothing that says we're ever going to be able to make it back to our worlds.
And denying your heart in the interim on a maybe when it's telling you now what it wants, what will make this place bareable, feels just as poorly.
Maybe it's a matter of deciding which pain to live with.
Or maybe it's understanding that just because you love someone here does not mean you love the person at home any less.
I had to learn all of that too.
Chris was the one who helped to put it in perspective, long before we were ever together, and in regards to someone else.
[ Someone else who the relationship has only gotten more complicated with for similar reasons from the outside. But they're not talking about that right now.
(Or they are but he refuses to think about it right now.)]
The jealousy only time will tell, and again you choose how you react to things and what you can weather.
But the feelings are there already.
Letting them sit, unless you think you'll fall out of love with Chris
[ Impossible. ]
is just going to hurt more in the long run.
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[Equally impossible.
The idea that this all will hurt somehow is not exactly heartening but it doesn't dissuade him either.]
Some of that does sound like him.
We had a similar conversation some ways back. About enjoyment of pleasure, not love, but he made similar arguments on certain points.
You've given me a lot to consider.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective, thank you.
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For me, this is the worst thing about Duplicity, is not being able to reconcile with loved ones far away.
Granted I've dealt with loss of autonomy and institutionalized brutality for most of my life, so I do hope that's not the same for everyone.
Doesn't make it any less hard even if it's not the worst thing, though.
I hope you come to a conclusion you can be satisfied with, Kim.
Please let me know if you need another perspective again.